My boyfriend and I have been on the fritz for a few months, after dating for over a year. We both acknowledge that things have been iffy, but have also agreed that we have a good thing going and want to do our part to try to make it work because we really do value each other.
There are many things I love about him, but his thoughtfulness in the beginning of the relationship really drew me to him. He was the typical guy trying to impress a girl, but he made me feel amazing and like he really truly wanted to be with me. Fast forward to now. He's still supportive and says he loves me, but the spark is dying. While I don't need compliments and to know how he feels every day, without anything at all, I feel like there's nothing there. All we do is joke around, talk about our day, and then go to bed and cuddle. I miss all the sweet things he used to do and say to me, even just the little, insignificant actions like putting his arm around me if I was cold. On top of it, I have a higher libido than him which normally doesn't cause problems because I try not to take it personally, but lately with the lack of affection and closeness elsewhere, I feel almost rejected or like he really doesn't want to be by me.
Whenever we talk about our relationship, immediately he gets defensive and starts talking around stuff so that everything is my fault. I understand it goes both ways and there's probably lots of stuff I need to differently as well, but whenever talks come up we end up just beating heads and getting frustrated.
It's getting to the point where I don't know if I can continue in a relationship where I don't feel the love, but I know that if we both just try and put the effort in, we'd be amazing again, but he just isn't putting in the effort. I want to have a rational talk with him and just tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid bringing this up will end up being the last straw and cause us to get so frustrated we end it.
I know if I'm not happy, I should just leave, and I plan on it, but he does make me happy......I'm just not as secure as I was and I don't feel as valued or appreciated as I did, so I want to try to stay together, I just need him to do his part.
Can ANYONE give me some advice as to how to approach this sensitively and rationally, without causing any confusion or frustration? Even help with wording would be amazing.
Thanks!!!
I know where your coming from. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs and somewhere in the middle we had very rough patch. We are running as smooth as ever now. And this was my strategy: make him a nice dinner, and after he is full and relaxed you could start with "do you love me the same as when we first started dating" You should say something like I really love you too and I think WE should put more effort into making our relationship work. If WE want our relationship to continue and grow then WE need to add a little more umph. I'll show you more affection and you show me more affection. We should talk more and tell each other I love you more often. We both need to putrelationship conversation tips equal effort into this, not just one of us doing all the work. I remember when you used to (ex:) tell me how much you valued me and I'd love to hear that more again. And I know I used to tell you how much you meant to me also and I'll start saying that more too. I'd like to get to the point where we feel secure in our relationship again. If we don't work together than we won't last. And I want us to last cause I love you" etc. If you tell a guy YOU need to show me more affection, YOU need to put more effort into this, I do all the work, he's going to get defensive and totally blow off all the other important things you need to say. So try to incorporate WE more than YOU. It'll make him feel more at ease. And say it in a sweet tone, if it's negative it'll go one ear and out the other. I have lots of experience with this, and it's really hard for me not to start pointing fingers also. So stay calm and make him feel comfortable. Also remind him of the good times, and tell him how good you felt after the first time you kissed etc. or Keep working hard and he'll start following suit. Sometimes it takes a woman to show a man how it's done. You seem torn tho, a part of you wants to stay and a part wants to go. So try to work it out, if he is still not giving you what you need then leave. Before it took forever for my bf and I to sort things out but after our serious talk about "where are we going with this relationship" we got things cleared up. We've gotten to the point where I can flat out tell him what I want done, and he can do the same with me with out us not wanting to kill each other. :)
Hope that helped.
-Bee
Haha no problem. I've been there so I really know where you're coming from. Haha anytime :)
Hi, Have you tried to show him that you appreciate him in a sweet love way? Sometimes I'll leave my fiance little notes that say, 'I love you-have a wonderful day!' in his cap, so he reads 'em right before he heads out. He replies with a text: I love you so much! You're my favorite!
It might seem like you're putting all the effort in the beginning, but once he's softened, remind of how much he made you week at the knees when he used to wrap his arm around you...or use any fond memory you have of him as an example.
I wish you the best! I don't want to write a novel, but if you ever need anything...you can always ask!
Take care, good luck!
C'mon ya'll! Let's not start putting stuff in her head! She seems like a smart girl, I'm sure she would have sensed that he was seeing someone else. I think it's just one of those times, Jen, you said it yourself...it's been a year, and what happens after a year? Ya'll start slipping into your comfort zones, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing someone else or he doesn't feel the same for you! He just doesn't feel the need to impress you as much, 'cause he's got you.
DO NOT try the friend with benefits.
And the way I see it, if your heart desires to take a break, maybe you should. If you don't have any children togethrelationship conversation tipser you should retire now that you're young. Ya know that saying, "If you love something let it go, and if it comes back you know it's for sure!"
If this doesn't clarify much, then maybe we need a male's point of view.
First off, the part where you say he gets defensive about things and tries to blame you is bad. The part where you guys both agree that there is no spark, but want to give it a chance isn't much better. Sounds to me like you are just "settling" for what you think you want and what is best for you. In truth, you both have grown into someone slightly different than when you met. My first guess is that he is seeing someone one the side. If a guy isn't wanting sex when you offer then he is getting satisfaction from somewhere else. It's not the effort that will bring back the spark. You had it, it was great, but do you really see a couple of flashback memories returning the spark forever?
Sit him down and explain to each other the way you see things. You are basically really good friends now, since there is no love. Try being friends with benefits, if something happens.... it happens. If you two are to be together the trial separation should work. You don't know how to appreciate you've got until it is gone.
you need to figure out what is best for you. and you need to accept that breaking up is a possibility.
now for the conversation:
how does it usually start? do you bring it up? what do you say?
here's what i would do- i would send him a personalized evite having him come over to make a rainbow cake. tell him that it would be something fun to do together. then when you have made the cake you say "we make a good team- it makes me feel good to do things with you what can we do next week that's fun? ". the goal here is to talk about being together without having a relationship talk. bring the focus back to "fun and happy". keep it light and positive like friends. people forget that being in a relationship is also being friends. remind him what great friends you guys are. while you are baking ask about work. talk about your day, no one wants to have the "relationship talk" so stop talking and have a relationship. if he is not receptive, stop being so available to him. go out with your friends, find a hobby. he will start feeling your absence. with men, actions speak louder than words.
I can't tell you this for a fact, but it seems like he's not feeling the same for you anymore. maybe he's bored, maybe there's no excitement in the relationship for him anymore.
I think u need to take the risk and tell him how u feel. that's the only way u'll figure this out, not by asking others.
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